They happen to everyone and I think we can all agree, they suck. LIKE REALLY SUCK!
Building what you hoped will turn into a life with someone else just to have it all fall apart is never easy. Even though sometimes you have built the right foundation with the wrong person, it is still a difficult pill to swallow.
It’s an unfortunate part of life, however, your brain works against you in many ways when you are going through a breakup. You are not the only one to blame for these feelings you are having. (Thank Goodness)
Let me explain…
First of all no matter how long you were together – could be 3 months could be 17 years – the first thing your brain does is rewind back to the beginning part of your relationship. The ‘honeymoon stage’, is the best part of any relationship. By doing this your brain reverts back to the feelings of ‘this is the greatest person ever – how did I ever live without you before – I can’t think of anything else but you- saying I love you 25 times a day’ type of feeling, which results in you wanting more and more and more and more.
Even if you seriously cannot stand this person and have wanted this breakup for a while, but your brain will trick you into thinking you’ve made a mistake and you need them. Some research studies have even compared this feeling of need and obsession with cocaine addicts who are going through withdrawals. I guess love really is a drug, so be careful who you get addicted to.
So the same circuits in your brain that used to encourage you to be loving and be sweet to your partner suddenly goes through an extreme withdrawal. Here is where the crazy kicks in. This is the part that makes you want to accidentally run into them, or make those regretful drunk dials – you’re brain is in panic mode and you can find yourself reacting in ways you could have never even imagined.
Don’t be too hard on yourself.. we have all experienced it.
Are you catching yourself doing things normally you would never do in a million years?
Not only does your brain and memories go through withdrawals, it activates the part of your brain that is associated with physical pain and that helps you to control your own feelings of distress. When in any other normal situation you would react by telling yourself that things are not that bad and everything is okay, when your brain is going through these stages of confusion and sadness it doesn’t have time to calm itself, so you react in a way that tells your brain you are in actual pain so you will quite literally feel it. Not to mention your blood pressure also shoots up so your broken heart could actually feel broken.
GREAT RIGHT – Love hurts as they say.
Our minds and bodies want us to reconnect with our partner, and if you can do that and work through it together, immediately your thoughts and body will relax. However, if you cant and experience the walking away forever part, it can hurt as badly as a broken bone.
They say all it takes is some time, and some rewiring your brain.
Did you know that every new memory you form, your brain re-wires itself?
There is hope though, your brain is also helping you to imagine a better life without your ex, to see the light at the end of the tunnel and realize that it was time to move on. Sometimes, you just need to work through those feelings..let them come & let them go. The feelings I mean, not your ex.
So what do you do now?
The worst thing you can do is sit and dwell or someone who wouldn’t do the same for you, or just jump to the next person. Rebound relationships also play a largely negative role in our brains activity post breakup because we use ‘rebounds’ as a way to soothe that obsession or addiction to love and we need to fill that void somehow. Rebound relationships more than likely will backfire. These distraction relationships show signs of your insecurity, damaged ego, and a fear of being alone with yourself and your thoughts. If we don’t feel the connection that we used to have with our ‘reboundee’ we start to miss and love our exes more, our self-confidence drops and you will feel worse than you did originally. Not to mention ONE more person wounds up getting hurt as a result of your breakup.
Everyone will react and handle stress in their own way, but it is important to remember you are not alone. Talk to a friend, call your parents, write your ex a letter and burn it, go for a walk, clean your room, listen to TED TALKS or Abraham Hicks videos, start a new project.
There is no right answer and everyone will find themselves moving on in different ways, but never hold on to someone or something that wouldn’t do the same for you.
Remember: What is meant to be will always find its way and no sane person would ever just let you walk out of their lives if you meant enough to them in the first place. After all, we all are aware of just how hard it is to find someone to love you for you. If you ACTUALLY found that with this person there is NOTHING that will stop that your love from happening and nothing you could do to make your partner leave.
In the end, we are all looking for that one person who will stay no matter what and accept us for us NO MATTER WHAT.