“Good liars will often have a quick and smooth response and use tactics that will redirect attention back to you or incite some kind of emotional response in you that can divert attention away from them and the lie,” – Joseph Cilona. (Psychologist)
lie: tell an untruth; pretend with intent to deceive. Omit important information.
We have all told them and we have all been lied to.
Whether it’s a harmless white lie (OF COURSE I love your cooking babe) or a serious lie (OF COURSE I’ve never cheated on you) or lying by omission(I FORGOT to tell you), we are all liars to some extent. Like everything else in human nature, there are reasons we do EVERYTHING.
When we are lied to by someone we care about, we feel confused, betrayed and sad, especially if it’s a lie told by someone who we believed would never lie to us. These feelings often result in asking questions and trying to find a reason or justification why this person would ever lie to you. Trying to understand the reasons people lie and learning how to tell when someone is lying can give some comfort. Lying activates the brain’s reward center and can provide the liar with a rush. Compulsive liars (or people who are SO deep in the lie) have no other choice but to continue creating supporting lies over actually admitting they haven’t been truthful.
Did you know?
- The average person hears between 10 and 200 lies per day.
- Strangers lie to each other three times within the first 10 minutes of meeting, on average.
- College students lie to their mothers in one-fifth of all interactions.
- In a 10 minute conversation, you are likely to be lied to 2-3 times.
- The average person lies 4 times a day (Men 6 times a day/women 3 times a day).
So why lie?
Protecting the other person’s feelings or protecting themselves from fear of judgments, loss of respect, loss of love etc
Playing the victim, financial gain, making others feel sorry for them.
Small acceptable lies we tell when there is no reason to hurt someone.
Lies by omission:
To telling someone something important that they should know and that would help them better evaluate the situation.
They want it to be true:
There is a hope that it will become true if they say it out loud and that it will start to become true or other people will start to believe it.
They lose control when admitting the truth:
Control of situations or the feeling of being in control is important to insecure people if they feel telling the truth will weaken them.
Body language is an estimated 55%-65% of your communication with others. Your body
language is a direct reflection of your emotions (something that you feel whether you admit it or not). If you want to tell if someone is lying to you (especially someone you love or care deeply for) don’t listen to a word they are SAYING, but how they look when they are saying whatever *lies* they insist on telling you.
Women especially are very receptive to picking up on when things aren’t right (even if we don’t know why we feel that way…). Women are much more observant than men by nature and can feel that something is off when there is a contradiction between the words someone is speaking to them and the nonverbal body language they are displaying. This is often referred to as ‘women’s intuition’ – I like to refer to it as ‘when you have a feeling you’re being lied to TRUST IT. But seriously, this is why women have a sense of something being wrong without actually knowing what is wrong. This is why your gf can lie to you about anything but you can’t lie about watching a few episodes of shameless without her knowing it.
How to tell if someone is lying to you:
Lack of eye contact:
Eye contact is extremely personal, liars will avoid making eye contact with you as a way to depersonalize the situation. Closing eyes for long periods of time, excessively blinking and looking side to side are all indicators of lying.
Excessive fidgeting and itching:
Your body releases a chemical when you lie that causes your face to feel itchy!
Shrunken body, slouched, arms crossed, appearing closed off:
Lying to someone you care about is uncomfortable and the body will often display this in many ways. If you are being open and honest your body will appear that way as well.
Sometimes we are our own worst enemy, and it’s as simple as someone shaking their head yes when saying no and vice-versa.
If you THINK you caught someone in a lie
Ask them if they are lying.
Pay attention to how they respond. If someone is lying they will go out of their way to defend themselves, take a long time to answer your question, repeat their sentences, or tell you WAY too much information to make you believe them. If they are innocent, they will simply be offended.
Lean in closer:
When someone is lying to you, they will often have their body pointed at the exit, and lean away from you. This is so they don’t feel intimate, exposed, or closed in. When you lean in or try and touch this person in an intimate way it will be very hard for them to hide their emotional state (aka they are uncomfortable and know you are on to them).
Sometimes the give away that you are being lied to is as easy as listening to the story being told. If they are lying it won’t be hard to notice a lot of pauses, delays or inconsistencies in their stories.
Tell them to repeat their story again, backwards.
You have two options when someone lies to you:
Continue your relationship with them or don’t.
My life rule has always been to give everyone in your life three chances (we are ALL human and if you think back on times you have been an asshole to the people you love you more likely than not are thankful they forgave you). But people who know they can get away with lies and being shady with you will continue to do. You set the tone for the relationship in your life and what you will and will not put up with.
‘we accept this love we think we deserve’.